Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
