for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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