I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
