My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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