can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
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He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
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Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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