apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
