he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
