Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
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he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
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You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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