Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
