I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
