That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Where is the hickey?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
