I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
