my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
