hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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