I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
