this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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