she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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