More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
