3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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