I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Are we still banned from the library?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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