we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
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