Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I showed him my bush... on skype.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I DEMAND FORESKIN
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
