You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
This is my gift to your gina
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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