I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
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Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
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Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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