I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
