omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
