I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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