I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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