Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
