either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
