Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
