chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
