So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
