dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You pole danced in your parka.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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