Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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