On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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