sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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