hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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