there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
