I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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