how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Randomize
