i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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