I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just want to make out with him forever
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.