I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
