so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
