Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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