If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
