Swine flu. Run for my life!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
