Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
