I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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