when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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