I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
