i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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