No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
