Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
