thus making me awesome and them whores
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
