Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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